Lockout 2012

Mercury Retrograde locking out CBA talks

It’s day 61 of the NHL lockout (but hey, who’s keeping track?) and everyone seems to have lost their faith in the possibility of a resolution. Well hold onto that disappointment a little longer my friends because the universe has pumped the brakes. If you believe in astrology like I know you do, then you know all about the pain in the ass that is Mercury Retrograde. If not, grab your fleece (insert NHL team here) blanket and hold tight ’cause things are about to get real.

You should probably abandon any preconceived notions of astrology for a hot second or don’t bother reading the rest of this.

As you know, CBA talks angrily broke off last Friday night after a few days of what seemed like progress. They were, after all, actually talking for more than an hour or two at a time and on consecutive days. Last Friday was November 9, three days after Mercury, the planet that rules communication, went retrograde. So what the hell does this mean? Well the short of it is don’t expect a resolution any time soon. Or at least not until November 26 when the universe is restored to the well-oiled machine it is. Are you still following? Cool, hang in there.

When Mercury goes all retrogradey on us, it screws with our ability to communicate. During a retrograde you’re more likely to send off a snippy email that could get you fired or say something to your partner that could cause you to be banished to the couch for a night or two. It makes people a little edgy and affects the way we conduct ourselves. It’s also a bad time to SIGN OR NEGOTIATE A CONTRACT. If you’re able to actually negotiate effectively through MR, and you sign a contract/agreement during this time, there will be problems that will arise. For example, if you sign a contract for a new job at this time, chances are the position will turn out to be different than you had anticipated and you’ll likely be miserable.

Can you see why this is a problem during CBA negotiations now? Even if the NHL and NHLPA decide to meet again within the next week or so, it won’t go well. Some insiders claim that if there’s no progress in the next week, we can just stuff our sadness in a sack and commit to junior hockey because proposals will officially be off the table. The less favourable situation, in my opinion, is if they actually come to some sort of agreement before the retrograde ends, which we know based on how heated things got last week (during the retrograde), will not happen. In the unlikely event they agree to terms, this has the potential to cause the league to decay in unexpected ways or worse, we’re here six years from now watching them fight over who pays for the toilet paper players use at the arenas.

If the NHL/PA were smart they totally would have checked with the damn stars first and had this thing all tied up in a pretty bow by the time the retrograde invaded our lives. But they didn’t, and now we should probably say goodbye to our old friend for good (for now) and carry on with our lives and take in more dependable forms of entertainment.

Shout out to Susan Miller for teaching me everything I think I know.

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