Brian Burke was relieved of his duties on Wednesday morning, so what did he do? Well according to everyone’s least favourite sports writer (I refuse to call him a journalist) Damien Cox, he caught a flick. Similar to a bad breakup, you try not to wallow in your own self-pity so you go out and do the things you hadn’t done in a long time. In Burkie’s case, he saw a Tom Cruise movie all by himself. A matinee even! Because there are a lot of hours in a day when you’re not really employed, you know? Anyway this prompts me to wonder what it would be like to see a movie with Brian Burke. Does he go for the big buttery popcorn combo? And if so, what kind of candy do you think he goes for? Reese Pieces or Nibs? One thing is for sure, he’s not wasting calories on regular Coke and reaches for water or Diet Coke, you know, for balance. And do you think he’s a talker? He probably grunts a lot but I doubt he’s a talker. And probably almost never enjoys the way a movie ends. Brian Burke doesn’t just go to a movie and accept the ending before him. No. The director is probably definitely an idiot and should have done something different. God I miss him already.
Burkie also pulled his youngest kids out of school and assured them they wouldn’t be moving, again. That’s sweet. And then he got coffee a couple of times. And then the universe proceeded to be a dick to ole BB:
This was his second visit to his favourite Starbucks of the morning—he was up at 4:30 a.m. to work out, then out for his first coffee at 5:30 a.m.—and came after a neighbour had pointed out to him that the back window of one of his cars had been smashed in.
“I don’t know if it was a disgruntled fan or not,” he said in his first interview since being dismissed. “But they didn’t steal anything.”
These are the things we need to know! Great reporting, Cox! You’re always on the case! If you’d like some real details regarding Burkie’s whereabouts, well, don’t look here, but definitely don’t look to the Star, even though Cox has been a solid mouthpiece for a while now. Instead, why don’t you watch his live press conference tomorrow, January 12, at noon. Now that’s going to be some good stuff. Don’t you hold back, BB.
I look forward to hearing about how Burkie spends his funemployment. It’s fun because he’s still making coin! So you go and have yourself a time, BB. Hit up a vacation and you show us any tattoos you’ve hidden and if you don’t have one, maybe go get your first tattoo. May I suggest a woman in a Kessel jersey? Just a thought! And put on a hawaiian shirt. Almost everything is better in a hawaiian shirt.
Oh, also, hey Cox, if you’re reading this can you go find out if Ron Wilson is still kicking it? What’s he doing? How many times a week is he golfing? What did Santa bring him for Christmas this year? Was it better than a bb gun? What does he shoot with a bb gun, anyway? Important questions need answering!